a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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