Heybabeimwearingurpanties
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
