Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
