You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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