you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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