Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
