last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
