Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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