Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
