Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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