i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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