his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
