Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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