I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
