Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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