she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
