Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
