I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
