end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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