I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
one two three fourrrrnication!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
