im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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