From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
