He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
