He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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