I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
