I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize