textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
