i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
