I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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