Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Randomize
