I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
