Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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