he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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