I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
