she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize