Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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