how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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