so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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