Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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