WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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