I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize