Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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