I want to have your abortion
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
