my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize