TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize