I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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