and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
