He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
