My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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