My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The uberlube is also flammable
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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