I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
