apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
did i walk over a car last night?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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