After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
