Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
