She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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