My nipple is on Facebook.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
