Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
