is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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