Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
