The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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