I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize