I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
