needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
