Your dad touched me again.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
