I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
