my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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