apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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