Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
