I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
