fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
