is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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