i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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