I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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